I am ever the teacher which hopefully means I am ever the learner.
My new frontier? Parenting adult children and their spouses.
It is such a different world and requires, it seems, a completely new take on my primary role in their lives.
I am nearly 12 years in with my daughter-in-law and I have searched for the one word that describes--and should describe--my role in their lives, the descriptor that leads me into my place with them.
Admirer.
If I admire everything--or everything I can--about her and the family she and my son have created, then I am first and foremost one of their greatest fans. I look for the best, I admire openly their best, and thank God for who they are.
But, you say, what if she (or he) is different? Different from whom--yourself? Then your family has added a wonderful dimension that your adult child has fallen in love with and made a life for him or herself separate from you.
Here is what I have learned: being a vocal admirer opens the door for my daughter-in-law to be herself around me. She knows my love and admiration for her are my constants and everything else can be worked out from there.
Admirer is a learned role--it may not be one's natural inclination. After all, this person "gets" your child and creates a new life away from you.
Exert whatever self-control and new focus this role may require. It is one of the greatest gifts you can give your adult child.
05 May 2012
04 May 2012
Grading the People
Years ago, at the start of my teaching career, I had a decision to make.
I grew up in a medium-sized city and adopted a "city" attitude wherein I somehow sized up small town life as lacking something, at least in opportunity.
You know God...He sometimes plops us right into the arena that we thought we'd never enter. So, by job-decision time, I was married and living in the very small town I had looked down upon when driving through to visit relatives as a child.
And--you guessed it--my first job offer was in the elementary school of that small town.
Looking back, the smartest decision I made was to ask God His opinion. Work in this small town or in the city I knew and loved?
What makes you think the children of this small town are less important to Me than those in your city? "Grading" people by where they live is a human endeavor. It certainly is not My way.
My second smartest decision? To enter into small-town life with joy and discovery. I'm on my fourth small town 37 years later and think it is one of the greatest environments in the world, no matter one's life stage.
The lesson? God's creations that we serve are the same no matter the place: they are worthy of being served because God made them. No grades, no better-thans, just worth our love and our best.
I grew up in a medium-sized city and adopted a "city" attitude wherein I somehow sized up small town life as lacking something, at least in opportunity.
You know God...He sometimes plops us right into the arena that we thought we'd never enter. So, by job-decision time, I was married and living in the very small town I had looked down upon when driving through to visit relatives as a child.
And--you guessed it--my first job offer was in the elementary school of that small town.
Looking back, the smartest decision I made was to ask God His opinion. Work in this small town or in the city I knew and loved?
What makes you think the children of this small town are less important to Me than those in your city? "Grading" people by where they live is a human endeavor. It certainly is not My way.
My second smartest decision? To enter into small-town life with joy and discovery. I'm on my fourth small town 37 years later and think it is one of the greatest environments in the world, no matter one's life stage.
The lesson? God's creations that we serve are the same no matter the place: they are worthy of being served because God made them. No grades, no better-thans, just worth our love and our best.
03 May 2012
When The Bully Is Close To Home--Day 3
You have written, with confidence, a description of the what the bully does to you, how it makes you feel, and how it prevents you from gaining traction in your own life journey.
Then, against all reason, you asked God to bless the bully.
Why?
Because you are remembering that underneath the bully's pain, there is a real person that you are somehow connected to in relationship. Your prayer for God to bring blessing to that person is part one of a two-part disconnect.
Part 1: Thank you, God, for the potential this person has if he lets you help him resolve his own pain, so please bless this bully. Please take care of him for now while I remove myself as his target.
Part 2: Step away from or put very real limits on time spent in relationship with this person. To keep interacting and expect different results is commonly referred to as insanity. If what you bring to the table was going to change the relationship, it already would have.
Is it okay to reclaim your very self? Yes, in fact, it is your responsibility. You lead yourself and others. You put on your oxygen mask first on a troubled flight. You alone are in charge of your relationship with God.
Will there be a pushback? Will there be a litany of rage and criticism and more bullying?
Probably.
But remember, you will be somewhere else, spending time with God in restoring your heart and reclaiming yourself.
In the strangest, most inexplicable way, this gift to yourself will be the greatest service you can offer the person trapped inside the bully.
Godspeed.
Then, against all reason, you asked God to bless the bully.
Why?
Because you are remembering that underneath the bully's pain, there is a real person that you are somehow connected to in relationship. Your prayer for God to bring blessing to that person is part one of a two-part disconnect.
Part 1: Thank you, God, for the potential this person has if he lets you help him resolve his own pain, so please bless this bully. Please take care of him for now while I remove myself as his target.
Part 2: Step away from or put very real limits on time spent in relationship with this person. To keep interacting and expect different results is commonly referred to as insanity. If what you bring to the table was going to change the relationship, it already would have.
Is it okay to reclaim your very self? Yes, in fact, it is your responsibility. You lead yourself and others. You put on your oxygen mask first on a troubled flight. You alone are in charge of your relationship with God.
Will there be a pushback? Will there be a litany of rage and criticism and more bullying?
Probably.
But remember, you will be somewhere else, spending time with God in restoring your heart and reclaiming yourself.
In the strangest, most inexplicable way, this gift to yourself will be the greatest service you can offer the person trapped inside the bully.
Godspeed.
02 May 2012
When The Bully Is Close To Home--Day 2
You are the target of the family bully or bullies.
How can you be sure this decision is accurate?
Test #1: Does the relationship keep you from getting traction in your own life journey? Are you constantly having to spend large amounts of time and energy with endless encounters that get nowhere?
Test #2: Is there a molestation of your self-worth? Does the bully paint you in inaccurate ways so that you keep hearing what you are not?
Yesterday we said that if you are the target, you have to be the one to take action by moving.
With the help of a trusted friend or family member, write down a description of the bully and how he/she/they make(s) you feel. Include what areas of your life are impacted most, where you cannot get traction, and their specific words or actions that violate your body, your heart, your personality, your hopes, your life's work.
These written words are important. It is the next step. It takes the reeling impact of the bully that continually churns in your mind and gives it definition. Most importantly, it gives you conviction that you are, indeed, the (or one of the) target(s).
Then, against all reason, ask God to bless the bully.
Day 3: Reclaiming your self
How can you be sure this decision is accurate?
Test #1: Does the relationship keep you from getting traction in your own life journey? Are you constantly having to spend large amounts of time and energy with endless encounters that get nowhere?
Test #2: Is there a molestation of your self-worth? Does the bully paint you in inaccurate ways so that you keep hearing what you are not?
Yesterday we said that if you are the target, you have to be the one to take action by moving.
With the help of a trusted friend or family member, write down a description of the bully and how he/she/they make(s) you feel. Include what areas of your life are impacted most, where you cannot get traction, and their specific words or actions that violate your body, your heart, your personality, your hopes, your life's work.
These written words are important. It is the next step. It takes the reeling impact of the bully that continually churns in your mind and gives it definition. Most importantly, it gives you conviction that you are, indeed, the (or one of the) target(s).
Then, against all reason, ask God to bless the bully.
Day 3: Reclaiming your self
01 May 2012
When The Bully Is Close To Home--Day 1
A bully is anyone who somehow makes you feel badly about yourself.
He, or she, does not act in ways that show you they have your best interest at heart.
A bully avoids the hard work of looking at his own pain and instead, directs his venom at others, often those within the family circle.
The tough part is that when you are the target of the family bully, or bullies, you must be the one to take action.
You generally cannot cajole or reason with the family bully. The venom is an unstoppable force as long as you, as his/her/their target, are in sight.
You must move.
Move first in your heart: decide with conviction that the family bully is in the wrong and you do not have to receive the venom any longer.
This is the hardest, loneliest, most strategic step out of which all next steps follow. Identify those who will support this decision and ask God for courage, wisdom, and timing. Then wait.
This decision needs time in which to collect all of those valuables you have asked God to give you. This waiting time is for feeding your strength.
Day 2: Next Steps
He, or she, does not act in ways that show you they have your best interest at heart.
A bully avoids the hard work of looking at his own pain and instead, directs his venom at others, often those within the family circle.
The tough part is that when you are the target of the family bully, or bullies, you must be the one to take action.
You generally cannot cajole or reason with the family bully. The venom is an unstoppable force as long as you, as his/her/their target, are in sight.
You must move.
Move first in your heart: decide with conviction that the family bully is in the wrong and you do not have to receive the venom any longer.
This is the hardest, loneliest, most strategic step out of which all next steps follow. Identify those who will support this decision and ask God for courage, wisdom, and timing. Then wait.
This decision needs time in which to collect all of those valuables you have asked God to give you. This waiting time is for feeding your strength.
Day 2: Next Steps
30 April 2012
Libby's Lacerated Liver
My friend Libby has such a way with words. She is passionate about God and her precious young family, and if you listen, you know she wrestles to learn what the Bible is really saying.
She shares the moment that she, in essence, faced her fear and came out on the other side.
The night was dark, the mountain roads full of curves, pouring rain--she was terrified as she drove the unfamiliar route. She remembers thinking, I am going to drive over the edge, down into the ravine, sustain a lacerated liver and bleed out, not to be found until I am dead.
And then, the fruit of her wrestling with God's Word comes to life: But if that happens, that is exactly what God means by working all things together for my good. My family will be okay, I will be okay--it will be exactly as God meant it to be.
Wow.
As moms in her small group from church, we laugh that God had her named Libby so the story would roll off the tongue so memorably. But it is the lesson that stirs our heart.
God is the true Wordsmith here, Libby the blessed storyteller.
Wrestle, learn, share. Thanks, Libby, for sharing the fruit of your effort.
She shares the moment that she, in essence, faced her fear and came out on the other side.
The night was dark, the mountain roads full of curves, pouring rain--she was terrified as she drove the unfamiliar route. She remembers thinking, I am going to drive over the edge, down into the ravine, sustain a lacerated liver and bleed out, not to be found until I am dead.
And then, the fruit of her wrestling with God's Word comes to life: But if that happens, that is exactly what God means by working all things together for my good. My family will be okay, I will be okay--it will be exactly as God meant it to be.
Wow.
As moms in her small group from church, we laugh that God had her named Libby so the story would roll off the tongue so memorably. But it is the lesson that stirs our heart.
God is the true Wordsmith here, Libby the blessed storyteller.
Wrestle, learn, share. Thanks, Libby, for sharing the fruit of your effort.
29 April 2012
Time + God
This post was previously published but seems to bear mentioning again.
Should we schedule time with God?
Only if you want it to happen.
A father should schedule dates with his daughter, but only if he wants her to have a glimpse of how a man should treat her, in hopes that she will hold out for that.
A company leader should schedule vision meetings with his (her) staff, but only if he (she) wants to head an endeavor known for maximum cohesiveness.
A married couple should schedule time where nothing is on their radar except each other, but only if they want their relationship to endure well the exhaustion and exceeding demands of everyday life.
So schedule time with God? Our relationship with Him is like every other relationship: time put in + how present we are = quality and meaningfulness of how we know each other.
There is a way to have a glimpse of how love should treat us...God's love shows that.
There is a way to lead yourself with maximum cohesiveness and productivity...God's vision for living inspires that.
There is a way to have nothing on our radar for a few precious moments each day except ourselves and God...God's input in that time spent is how we endure well the exhaustion and exceeding demands of everyday life.
Is He on your schedule today?
Should we schedule time with God?
Only if you want it to happen.
A father should schedule dates with his daughter, but only if he wants her to have a glimpse of how a man should treat her, in hopes that she will hold out for that.
A company leader should schedule vision meetings with his (her) staff, but only if he (she) wants to head an endeavor known for maximum cohesiveness.
A married couple should schedule time where nothing is on their radar except each other, but only if they want their relationship to endure well the exhaustion and exceeding demands of everyday life.
So schedule time with God? Our relationship with Him is like every other relationship: time put in + how present we are = quality and meaningfulness of how we know each other.
There is a way to have a glimpse of how love should treat us...God's love shows that.
There is a way to lead yourself with maximum cohesiveness and productivity...God's vision for living inspires that.
There is a way to have nothing on our radar for a few precious moments each day except ourselves and God...God's input in that time spent is how we endure well the exhaustion and exceeding demands of everyday life.
Is He on your schedule today?
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