Breakage and Starvation--Day 5

This series began with a young mom in mind--new to numbing breakage, entering inevitable starvation.

To be numb is to go through the motions of helping the children, creating a new household with single leadership, juggling new stresses and unforeseen events, all without adequate energy left over to cultivate self.

I went on autopilot for many years. Because workaholic mode is easy for me, that became my coping mechanism.

When view of self is virtually destroyed by an acidic marriage, where is one to turn?

This series has carried me back to the pain and trauma of numbing breakage.

The decision to move toward strength was pivotal:

Step out of his view of me.

Step into God's view of me.

God's love cannot fail. He cannot not love me. He made me and He treasures His creations. His love is always always.

I often imagined myself a tea bag steeping in His love. Some nights I pictured myself crawling up into His lap. My oldest daughter gave me genuine Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls, and some nights I even clung to those.

Over and over and over, I stepped out of the scathing voice of his view into the tender Voice of God's view.

Two different worlds. One lives out of pain, the other out of Love.

The journey of steps forward matters--it is a constant vigil to keep seeking out the truth of God. Therein lies the hope of ever feeling a true sense of self again.

God, please restore, and continue to restore, my image of self.

Breakage and Starvation--Day 4

A starving mind, body or heart has one goal:

Find that which will relieve the discomfort, even agony, of starvation.

When one is left in the numbing breakage of a marriage, hunger of the heart sets in. Where there was a mate, there is a void. Once a best friend--now tragically a virtual enemy. The heart lost its partner.

What best serves a starving heart?

The world has an answer:

Inoculate. Do whatever it takes to deaden the pain.

I tried this route. It led to even more numbing breakage.

The real rescue unit, however, comes more like a whisper:

Be still. Do not avoid the pain. Know that, even though you cannot see, I am walking with you and have a plan to carry you through.

Though I barely got through many days, I decided this was my best hope. I began to call on God, cry out to God, beg God--to take away the pain, carry me through the pain, whatever would bring relief to my breakage.

Starvation sent me into a pain cycle that can gave me the momentum--even desperation--to let God speak into my life. I began to sit for 5-10 minutes a day, speaking into silence, hoping God was listening.

A gentle recovery began.

Perhaps we haven't needed Him before. Perhaps we have even consciously rejected Him. But the grace of God means that He is always there, waiting to accompany our starving hearts out of numbing breakage into a new space with life-saving oxygen and healing vapors.

Starvation has a goal:

Find that which will relieve the discomfort, even agony, of starvation.

Consider the rescue unit that knows your heart best.

Tomorrow: restoring the image of you.

Breakage and Starvation--Day 3

Wounds speak. They have a voice all of their own.

If we are looking for our accurate heart mirror that will reflect who we really are, we have to somehow get the voices straight.

We are fearfully and wonderfully made. Of that I am certain.

But in the cauldron of numbing breakage, when one marriage partner has somehow destroyed the self-worth of the other, there is no feeling fearfully and wonderfully made.

It's more like:

I'm a walking failure. I don't deserve to be happy.

That is the voice of the wounds.

We need a simple notebook with two sections. In one section, I can write down what my "wounds voice" is saying because for now I need to respect its presence. To deny its existence is to incur more self-harm.

But in the other part of the notebook, I need to devote at least 5 minutes a day to writing down my good parts, even if it begins with one line, one ray of hope.

Something about each of us is fearfully and wonderfully made. In the early days of my numbing breakage, my hope list about myself was short. But I was faithful to the 5 minutes and so became faithful to the hunt for good in myself.

Over years, I have quieted the wounds voice. It speaks but it sort of bounces off my radar. Weird.

I can only think that, marinated these years in fearfully and wonderfully made, I am beginning to believe it.

Tomorrow: the beauty of starvation.

Breakage and Starvation--Day 2

Some marriages seem to have two people drifting apart, finally separated but still with a measure of relationship to weather divorce.

Other marriages became a cauldron of battery acid, where the power of the marriage becomes so hurtful that the only survival mode for one or both is to enter a state of numbness.

When all is said and done, at least one party is left in numbing breakage.

The reasons do not matter; my numbing breakage, however, may prevent wrong-track thinking for another.

In my professional life, I functioned well.

In my heart mirror, where I saw myself, I was more of a failed soul.

A failed soul trapped in numbness will make some uninspired decisions that usually lead to more regret, more failings, even more breakage.

I can only think that, besides crying out to God, one might search out a person--a friend, a counselor--who presents in one's life as...dependable.

Not an uber Christian who admonishes with little compassion and speaks even while clueless as to the inside story of the marriage.

Not one who is making uninspired life decisions on his or her own.

But rather a rock solid heart, given to listening, yet caring enough to speak up and say, "Stop.You're taking a wrong turn because you are numb and broken. Let's spend some time on finding out who you really are. There is someone valuable in there."

I didn't find that person, so I certainly moved down an uninspired path for years more.

It is the heart mirror that is the problem. Underneath the numbing breakage is a very active personal viewfinder, shouting shortcomings and failure.

Tomorrow: where is the accurate heart mirror?

Breakage and Starvation--Day 1

I have a new email friend, a young mom who has been through a numbing breakage with her husband.

They have children who, of course, are getting broken in the process.

Regretfully, I am an expert in experiencing the numbing breakage.

Regretfully, my children are experts in brokenness recovery.

But, out of the ashes, I know what to share with my new friend.

There is a path to hope and recovery.

It is convoluted trajectory, sometimes more backward than forward.

It is painful and breathtakingly slow--that is, sometimes the rage and despair of the slowness will take one's breath.

However, I believe that minus the severity of my personal breakage, some at the hand of others, much at the hand of myself, I would not have been starving for strength.

Breakage--brokenness--sets us up for starvation.

Only starving people need to find food for healing.

Tomorrow: a picture of numbing breakage.

When Death Claims Life

We're still trying to breathe in our tiny, close-knit community.

A beautiful family lost their nineteen-year-old son, grandson, older brother, and fiancee in a tragic accident.

My special friends are his grandparents, and as a grandparent myself, I don't know how they take the next breath.

Within a few hours the entire family and many friends were huddled at the hospital amid tears and hugs.

But Jim, the grandfather, was three states away at his job, scheduled to be home the next weekend.

The lateness of the day meant no flights home, so he drove through the night to be there by morning.

As I checked on him by phone until late in the night, I was struck by his words:

I think about how God lost His Son.

We know the end of that story--Life claims Death, rather than what we seem left with at this moment.

But that glimpse Jim gave me is what we hold onto, even by a thread:

Tyler's life is not over; it is just somewhere else now.

This family lost their son, grandson, older brother, and fiancee. But in the end, every loss we incur, including our own final breath, carries us to that next place for our forever life.

We'll never know why Tyler beat us there. Death claimed our version of Tyler, but his forever version lives.

Thank you, Jim, for such a poignant reminder spoken through your incredible pain.

Jesus, tell him how much he is loved. Help us see that Life, in fact, claimed Death.