That was the repeated thought that felt present on a predawn Thanksgiving when my youngest daughter was still in elementary school. And my repeated answer:
No, I can't. [Because my very small mind and self cannot bear that that could mean you need her in heaven early. What else could it mean?]And so we played tug-of-war, God and I, right there in my living room.
But doesn't God always win? After many agonizing minutes, I said a simple but wholehearted:
Yes, she's yours.For months, I imagined that every time she left the house she wouldn't come back. Car crash or worse.
Fear seeds sprouted into a huge field of underbrush and brier-filled weeds.
When I was in elementary school, I read a story called, "The Triumph of Janis Babson." (A Google search shows she impacted an entire generation of Reader's Digest Condensed Book followers.) She lived a selfless, heroic life that ended in an untimely childhood death, and I have since been haunted by the idea that I could lose a child.
Did God mean for me to start dealing with fear seeds early, finding him in the struggle? Finally giving over to him through thankfulness...over and over and over?
And so I give thanks. Thanks for every day with every child and grandchild. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.
It is becoming etched in my personality that that is the only secure way to live. It is the virtual weed-killer of complaints as well as the obliterator of fear seeds. The well-known passage in Philippians, He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it, begins like this:
Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart.Serving each other by giving thanks for each other. Hearts cleansed of fear seeds each time we practice God's admonition to give thanks.
Tomorrow: The biology of fear.
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