Maybe President John F. Kennedy would have smiled: Ask not what your daughter-in-law (or son-in-law) can do for you, but rather what you can do for your daughter-in-law.
Study your gifts. How do they line up with what this new family needs?
I am known as the babysitter. I always told my kids that I would be the grandmother whose means would be my presence. I love to keep all of the kids for a stretch and free the parents up for important time together.
Perhaps you are the storyteller. You can spin tales that will be kept in that special grandparent vault of memories for all time. No grandchildren? No problem. Spin those tales during warm family dinners and dazzle your in-law child.
How wonderful if you are the provider. You have extra dollars that they could use, but that money is a trap and a gulf between you if it comes with ANY strings attached. Money is like love--if it is a bargaining chip, it is not love and it is certainly not a gift. Better left not shared if it smacks of control.
Whatever your gift(s) to your in-law child and this newly created family, you are another adult on the scene with whom they must reckon.
Perhaps the most powerful truth for mother-in-laws to remember: you must earn any respect and love that you gain in the relationship. It is the work of wisdom, self-control and love.
New family relationships will always be a bit messy since humans are involved. With great thoughtfulness and care, mother-in-laws can make sure the new messy is grounded in love and respect
