To be numb is to go through the motions of helping the children, creating a new household with single leadership, juggling new stresses and unforeseen events, all without adequate energy left over to cultivate self.
I went on autopilot for many years. Because workaholic mode is easy for me, that became my coping mechanism.
When view of self is virtually destroyed by an acidic marriage, where is one to turn?
This series has carried me back to the pain and trauma of numbing breakage.
The decision to move toward strength was pivotal:
Step out of his view of me.
Step into God's view of me.God's love cannot fail. He cannot not love me. He made me and He treasures His creations. His love is always always.
I often imagined myself a tea bag steeping in His love. Some nights I pictured myself crawling up into His lap. My oldest daughter gave me genuine Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls, and some nights I even clung to those.
Over and over and over, I stepped out of the scathing voice of his view into the tender Voice of God's view.
Two different worlds. One lives out of pain, the other out of Love.
The journey of steps forward matters--it is a constant vigil to keep seeking out the truth of God. Therein lies the hope of ever feeling a true sense of self again.
God, please restore, and continue to restore, my image of self.
